Acceptance?

Once again, it's been a few days since my last post. This is a good sign. I have been deliberately keeping very busy. Not only have my days been filled up with activities with Izzy, appointments and house jobs, but something else has changed too. I have, at least for now in this new life that I live in a permanent state of flux, decided upon a direction, a plan of action, a path forward.

I say 'at least for now' because who knows what is around the corner. But a big change has happened. The Kübler Ross model of the five stages of grief dictates that a grieving person would normally experience the following emotions: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Tick, tick, tick, tick.... tick?

It might only be temporary; I might slip back into any of the previous four, but I do feel I'm nearer to acceptance now. I am calmer and more rational, but conversely I am slightly bitter because I feel I have been forced into acceptance because Izzy hates to see me cry and Olivier just leaves the room if I do, so there's really no point in crying any more - it's just self-serving - no-one comforts me. But I feel guilty because it feels too soon.

My pragmatic side is telling me, 'William really has gone. You can't bring him back.' But my mummy side is asking how in two months I can accept that he's gone after knowing my little guy (including growing time inside me) for over three years? And of course, all those future years that I had mapped out with him that are now gone?

It's almost like I am building a wall in my head that thoughts of William, and therefore the associated emotions, cannot penetrate. I used this method to stop smoking. I just didn't let the tiniest thought of smoking enter my consciousness - once you allow this to happen, you end up in the cycle of craving, fulfilling etc.

So the wall is going up. I am emotionless. I am on autopilot. I feel nothing inside. And I have decided to concentrate all my energies on pulling my family back together. Quaint as it may sound, I will 'keep house'; concentrate on Izzy and the house and making family life an attractive proposition, or ideal, for Olivier, while leaving him to follow his own route forwards with the secret hope that one day before my eggs have gone off, he'll want to have another child. No pressure.

With my new found strength, I have been food shopping. I have been out in public. In fact, now I prefer to be out than in. This week, both my psychologist and psychiatrist appointments have passed much more smoothly, with less anguish and tears than previously. In fact, the psychologist has suggested a longer break between appointments - this can only be a good thing - right?

This week I filled up like this:

Tuesday - psychologist followed by taking Izzy to her little 'boyfriend's' house across the road for a playdate while I attacked the housework. Izzy and Olivier therefore came home to a clean house and a proper dinner. Izzy was in bed at a reasonable hour and had loads of reading and time dedicated to her. Olivier and I watched our series together in front of the tv. Good mummy, good wifey. If our communication is down right now, at least let's be in the same room, on the same sofa, together.

Wednesday - Psychiatrist followed by quick lunch with Izzy then to Cap d'Agde to meet an English/Belgian mummy friend of mine,(another Isabelle!) for a chat while Izzy played mini-golf with her two boys (12 and 14). Izzy loves big boys! I think she has fallen in love with Benny, the 14-year old - he was so patient with her, bless him! We spent all afternoon chatting, then I followed her to the supermarket and we shopped. We didn't get home till 7.45 - a long and busy day! Got another good dinner on the table and bedtime routine went fine.

Thursday - Izzy and I plus Isabelle from the day before and my Scottish friend Jane had all planned to take our kids zip-lining, followed by a picnic, but the thunderstorms put paid to that idea. We all ended up at the cinema, watching Ice Age 4 in 3D, Izzy reaching out and trying to grab things from the screen and having giggling hysterics next to me, so excited she couldn't even stay sitting down! Our gastronomic lunch for all nine of us afterwards was at Quick (France's version of Burger King), where Izzy ran some energy out in the climbing thing.  We were home mid-afternoon and I was forced to sit through Cats & Dogs on dvd with Izzy on the sofa (absolute nonsensical drivel!). Then I cooked dinner, bedtime, tv etc etc.

Don't worry, I'm not going to document each day in such boring detail as above, but everything I have done this week is progress and I have cried less and felt much less despair.

By no means have I forgotten William - I have dedicated certain times to going into his room and thinking about him. And do you know what? I don't cry every time! I still miss him and I still wish he could come back, but I accept now that he can't. I think, what would HE want? He wouldn't want to see us stay sad for ever and ever. For William, we have to make sure that our family stays together, that Izzy is not scarred by this, maybe even see to it that she gets another brother or sister one day...

Sharing a Strawberry Lace!

Paddling at Marseillan Port

Paddling at Marseillan Port