My cousin Charlotte called last night and said she'd spent the day with a friend who is a counsellor and who had some ideas about how to move forward with Izzy. She said it's important to document the relationship she had with William so she can read that later - I suppose to reaffirm what will only be very vague memories to her when she is older.
Lots of you have sent me your memories and stories of William, which I have printed out and am keeping safe with the intention of somehow having them bound at a later date. If you knew William and haven't yet written a few words to me about your memories of him, please please do - before it's too late and the memories have faded.
I thought today I would try and be strong enough to write a couple of little anecdotes myself about William and what he was like. One of my last memories of him was of Isabelle and him running together as fast as they could backwards and forwards from one side of the kitchen to the other and out to the hall to touch the staircase and then back again. Giggling manically, racing back and forth, over and over again. Such a simple game, but evidently immense fun!
Izzy and William loved each other so much. There were exactly four years (bar a week) between them. I suppose Izzy had got used to being the only child after four years, but amazingly, she took to being a big sister like a duck to water. She revelled in her role. There was only the occasional, and reasonable for a little one, complaint of 'you do more for William than me'. So then, as a parent, you try to explain that he still needed our help more, whereas Izzy by the age of 5 could shower and wash her own hair herself, get food and drinks herself etc.
But then the next step occurred; Izzy started wanting to help with William. In the mornings she had changed his nappy a couple of times, occasionally dressed him and regularly led him carefully by the hand downstairs, lifted and strapped him into his booster seat and given him breakfast. What a sweetheart!
It's breaking my heart to write this. Such clear, solid, recent memories. I mean, that was only 7 weeks ago for God's sake!
Recently she had given one of her regular tea parties outside in the garden. William and her sitting on an old sheet, surrounded by plastic crockery and plastic food, pretending to eat it. They were both so happy. William understood that you weren't supposed to really eat it and would happily play along with his big sister.
William loved sleeping and beds in general. You could put him down at any time of the day and he would pull his little duvet up to his chin, grab a 'doudou' (comfort toy) and then, after a big kiss goodnight, would wave goodbye to you. I can still see his little hand flapping away now. I would do our special 'Eye Heart You' sign to him at the door and imagine he was asleep before I'd even got back downstairs.
One thing I am so so glad I had made part of my nightly routine was that every night before going to bed myself, I would go into each child's room and caress their hair, give them a kiss, tell them I love them and, as they stirred slightly or did that funny tongue-clacking sound that kids do when they are asleep, silently creep out again. I still do this to Izzy every night. And I still go into William's room too - but he is no longer there and I have to make do with breathing in deeply the smell of his room and sometimes lying myself down on his little bed, reaching for a doudou, before having our nightly (one-sided) chat.
Before, in the mornings, if William was up before Isabelle, he'd dash into her room and give her a kiss and try and get into bed with her. Sometimes he'd meet with a grumpy 'go aWAY' but often he'd be permitted to climb in beside his big sis, grab the duvet and pull it up to his chin, with a big grin on his face. How special to see the two of them cuddling up like that.
It wouldn't last long though, as before you knew it, they'd both be up and playing, delaying teeth-brushing and dressing for as long as they possibly could, partners in crime!
Going back further now, to William's first few weeks in this world, a couple of weeks after he was born, a tooth appeared in his mouth. Bottom right. Obviously we were all astonished! A couple of weeks later, another appeared - the other bottom tooth! He was 7 weeks early so, should he have arrived at term, he would have arrived with two little teeth already in his mouth!
I researched this phenomenon and discovered that Julius Caesar, Napoleon and Hannibal were all born with teeth. Big men in history. How excited we were! What amazing things lay in store for our William?! Unfortunately, now we will never know.
What we do know is that although William knew pain, illness and injury, he never knew evil. And he himself, although impervious to the concept of danger (like so many kids his age) was quintessentially a good child with a giving heart. He was always sharing his things and trying to give people things - from crisps and biscuits to toy cars!
Recently, we had started to potty-train William - a proviso of his place at nursery school. Izzy very kindly stepped in to show him how it's done! He looked so cute in his big boy pants! We were so excited about this new phase in his life - soon to be out of nappies (we hoped anyway) and with his vocabulary finally starting to increase so he could communicate! The book I'd read to him before his nap on the day of the accident was a picture book and I'd been getting him to repeat the words with me. He'd said car and ball! These were to be his last ever words. God - he had so much to live for, he was on the brink of so much. It's just so unfair.
I will end with one more happy story I think. Whenever I picked Izzy up from school, as soon as they opened the classroom door, William would dash in and find Izzy and then, like a kid in a sweetshop, start picking up things to play with and trying out all the chairs. Everyone would laugh at him; mums and children alike. All the little girls wanted to hold his hand, but Izzy would come over all territorial and go to fetch him and bring him back to the door.
The new school term is going to be so, so hard. I am dreading seeing the mummies and the teachers for the first time. Being there with just Izzy and no William. At least this year Izzy is old enough to be dropped off and make her own way into the classroom. But I should be dropping William off into his classroom and I won't be.
No comments:
Post a Comment