Journey home

I'm sitting on the plane writing this blog, whispy clouds and France beneath me, holding a laminated photo of William in my hands, as well as his second favourite doudou (he was buried with his favourite).

As much as I try to think of other things or read, my thoughts turn to him. Fortunately there are far fewer children on this flight and none that I have been 'confronted' by - suddenly found myself right next to.

In the departure lounge, however, I could hear a small child running around and giggling manically - something was obviously giving him or her such pleasure! My heart lurched at the memory of Izzy and William running around giggling hysterically together. Then the tears fell.

I remember the many times that Izzy and William, a dolly's pushchair each, would chase each other round and round the house in absolute fits of giggles - a joy to behold and now a treasured memory. They would appear speeding through the kitchen to the dining room and out to the hall, Izzy chasing William, and then re-appear in the kitchen, William chasing Izzy. The next tour would somehow find Izzy pushing William in the dolly pram! Needless to say, the pushchairs ended up wrecked, especially after a few times of William heaving Izzy round squeezed into the tiny frame of her baby's 3-wheeler!

I can remember being a bit cross when her expensive pushchair finally snapped under the pressure - it seems so irrelevant now. I'd give anything to have those times again - who cares about a broken toy?

The journey home has been much better than the journey away. I am crying only sporadically, whereas en route I was a sobbing wreck. I got my screaming and shouting out in the car yesterday between Angèle's house and Vanessa's (having restrained myself for five days), so I am calmer today.

I am also slightly calmer thanks to these nine days away and the love and caring I have received from my wonderful friends. At this point I need to add in a final thank you - to Vanessa and John for having me last night and to their beautiful daughters, Emily (3.5) and Annie (2.5) for all their little kid cuddles that I thought I'd never be able to handle again just a few short days ago. Those cuddles were actually fantastic.

Two weeks today I'll be back doing this route the other way around for the bereavement weekend. I have absolutely no idea how I'll be for that journey. It's enormously difficult leaving Olivier and Izzy behind. But, from what I've read, the next trip should prove to be a turning point, or at least provide some sort of emotional step forward.

For now, I am so excited to be seeing Olivier and Isabelle very very soon! We've just landed! Huge hugs coming up!