A bedtime post like yesterday. If you don't hear from me, it's because I am being kept busy, which is a good thing.
Charlotte took me into Guildford yesterday morning and I somehow bought clothes. This is astonishing as I currently have no interest in anything of the sartorial nature. As well as the aforementioned LBD (Little Black Dress for the uninitiated) (when am I ever going to dress up again?), I bought a bright pink t-shirt 'for next year', hoping I'll feel like wearing colours again before the style goes out of fashion.
We had lunch with my aunt, Charlotte's mum, Caroline, who had come to drop Charlotte's boys off after a visit and stayed for the afternoon. It was lovely chatting with her and she gave out some greatly-needed support and hugs.
Charlotte's house was my sanctuary. Intuitive and sensitive, as well as completely selfless and giving, she put all her plans on hold and completely looked after me, keeping me occupied, fed, left alone when I needed to be and allowing her phone to be used for other friends to check in on me. A lot. (Thanks, you guys!) I hadn't even planned on seeing her as she'd only left my house in France the week before! What a gal! And her husband, Duncan, is a special man too - thank you for your kind and sensitive note, Dunc. It was perfect. x
So this morning I set off for Angèle's house - only an hour and a quarter away. I unfortunately have had to leave out visiting my friend Helen in the Cotswolds as the return trip would have meant too much travel/thinking/crying time. But we had an intense hour long phone call on Friday evening and I promised to see her next trip.
I arrived at Angèle's (cried almost all the way again) to big hugs from all four of her gorgeous children, as well as herself and her husband, Jon. We passed an easy day, once Jon had taken the kids out on a bike ride and we could actually hear ourselves talk! When they got back, Angèle whipped me out for a coffee (choc milkshake actually - comfort drink) and some top-up food shopping. Good mundane time-filling activities.
It's been very hot today - when I arrived in the UK I regretted not bringing any socks with me. I am now sitting on my bed with a fan directed at me! Boiling!
To summarise the last few days in terms of emotions, I would say that I had a very low day on Thursday, but better yesterday and today.
I am someone that, when I hit a problem, I analyse, rationalise, produce a range of solutions, pick the best one and consequently act upon it. That is my standard modus operandi.
But here I am lost. There IS no solution. I cannot find a way out of this one. All I can do is try my hardest to cope, to go with the flow of mourning and to HOPE that it will get easier.
One coping mechanism I have decided upon is to concentrate on Izzy's education. She starts proper primary school in September (a year later than in the UK). She is staying, for now, at the same school in our tiny village (pop. 800 or so), but there are other options.
Olivier and I are both of the same mind when it comes to the house. Finish the bits that are left, re-assess whether we want to or are able to stay living in it, and probably put it on the market as soon as the lawns are green again. Bye bye dream house we bought to raise our family in.
Personally, I think if we move, it's not worth moving, for instance, just to the next village. Let's shake things up a bit.
This afternoon I researched the following:
1. Website for the private bi-lingual school in Baillargues, the other side of Montpellier, an hour to an hour and a half away depending on traffic. The website is appalling, with only one photo - of a couple of tables in the dining hall. (Was their website designed by a French real estate agent?) Littered with typos and difficult to navigate, it's not the best example of self-promotion I've ever seen! Unimpressed.
2. Potential satellite villages to Montpellier to maybe rent a house to try out a new area. I sat on Angèle's laptop, on Googlemaps, trying to see if I could find a well-located village that would allow easy access to a) (giving it the benefit of the doubt for now) the bi-lingual school, b) our friends and Olivier's family back where we currently live and c) excitement! Culture, amenities, shops, theatre etc etc in Montpellier.
Alas everything necessitated using the blasted A9 which is notorious for the regularity of its 'bouchons' (slow-moving traffic or traffic jams).
3. Time to explore other options. I opened the website of the Pic - a Catholic private school with a good reputation in Béziers (much better website in my opinion). It's not bi-lingual, but the kids do learn English in the primary section. I have more research to do here, but we had already considered sending the kids there later anyway. Maybe we could whack the house on the market, see if it's actually possible to find a decent area in Béziers in which to live and rent there to try it out and send Izzy to the Pic?
I'm just throwing ideas around here to try and change our lives just enough to be able to move forward. I'm trying to be realistic with timescales and viable locations regarding access to Olivier's office, schooling for Izzy and potential work for me - maybe one day I can pick up my currently shelved plans to teach English as a foreign language. I'd be better placed in town.
So maybe in a year's time we'll be living in a different house, Izzy will be going to a different school and we'll have new routines in our lives. Or not. Who knows? Keeps my brain busy though.
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