Edging towards home time thoughts

I am lying in bed at Angèle's house, my last night here, feeling suddenly very scared. Tomorrow afternoon I head to my friend Vanessa's house in St Albans, before flying home on Thursday lunchtime.

Back to the great emptiness. Back to two-thirds of the rest of my family. As much as I have deeply missed Olivier and Izzy, I just know I'm going to crack.

But today was a much better day than yesterday. Those waves you see. Charlotte arrived this afternoon and we three girls went out for tea - sitting at a café's pavement table; to the outside world, three normal middle class mummies. We chatted and I even caught myself laughing! Like I had stepped outside my sad shell for just a short while into the normal world.

But looking in on this scene, I see me with visible lines of grief etched on my face - that's what I see when I look in the mirror. The ends of my mouth turned permanently down and jowls appearing. Grief is aging.

Something that is by turns unnerving and then comforting is that I also see William every time I look in a mirror. Where Isabelle has my blonde hair, she has her father's eyes and generous mouth, as well as his teeth. She has 'a look' of me about her, but William funnily enough, looked just like both me and Olivier.

I remember earlier this school year, outside the classroom waiting for Izzy one afternoon, with William in my arms, a mummy said to me, 'Mais c'est dingue comment il te resemble!' Which means, 'it's amazing how much he looks like you!' I was SO proud!

We don't do peas in a pod in our family. Everyone looks completely different. But William looked like me. I loved it! Those who know Olivier said he looked like Olivier, those who know me said he looked like me, but my theory is that both Olivier and I have straight, aquiline noses and long cupid's bows and William had the TINIEST little nose and long cupid's bow (whenever we saw newer babies than him - sorry other mummies - we'd remark to each other what enormous noses they had as we were used to our William's tiny little conk!). I only wish we'd been able to see him grow up, see him as the boy and then the man he should have become. I know he would have made us proud, as I know Izzy will one day (and in fact, does already).

Charlotte stayed all afternoon and then for dinner. How lovely it was to be distracted by two of my favourite gals together at the same time!

I must admit to spending some time today replying to emails (thanks guys) and starting to arrange some things to do for when I get back. I am going back slightly regenerated, hopefully a smidgeon stronger... and nine days further on.

I am determined to find the strength to do the weekly shop, to take control of that at least. Nothing new for now, but trying to get back in the saddle and grab back the reins of those everyday tasks and take control of the home-making horse.