Before and After and Soon

Everywhere I go and everywhere I look in the house I am faced with memories of my darling William. I open the double length kitchen drawer with the foil etc in it and notice that it is now only half full as all his little dishes, snacks, bibs, etc - things just for him, are all gone. The counter is horribly uncluttered now we don't need wet-wipes to hand the whole time.

I open the freezer in the hope of inspiration to actually remove something and then cook it, but all I see are things bought while he was still with us. Little sausages, fishfingers, apple compôtes, a mini-tupperware of lamb casserolle that I just can't bring myself to throw away. Things I'd bought before...

Saturday I found William's sun hat. Yesterday I found his little blue sunglasses. Perversely, I like finding his things but find it upsetting too.

But Isabelle returned from her trip to the horse show in Béziers with her French grandparents with a(nother) goldfish. Two previous goldfishes (creatively named Nemo 1 and Nemo 2) didn't make it past a few weeks, due to over-feeding I suspect). At least this one is called Bouboule. So here we go again, "Can I feed him, can I feed him?" Lawd help me. But this is something new, something 'after'. Life advancing.

I plucked up the courage to open the little sample pot containing a snippet of his hair - kindly suggested by a nurse at the hospital when we knew he was dying. I rubbed it between my fingers and smelt it in the hope that it would smell of him, but alas, it smelt of sample pot (clean and plastic-y). But I liked it - I have something of him, something I can touch, something that makes him real and not a figment of my imagination. Your mind plays weird tricks on you like that - anything to get you through these early days I guess.

As for the immediate future, my place on the Bereaved Parents weekend in the UK is confirmed and flights are booked - one month to go.

Interim, as yesterday was a more positive day, I booked myself a trip to the UK to visit good friends. I normally do these trips with Izzy (so she gets to experience some British culture), so it will be strange but liberating to go alone this time. Leaving Tuesday 14, coming back Thursday 23rd. I have told everyone that I have no idea where on my wave I will be when I see them, but as long as I have a book and can blog, I'll be fine. No small children in any of my friends' houses and lots of being looked after and loving to come...