Projects

I'm time-filling to stop myself breaking down. Mornings - horrible. So quiet. Nothing to do; Izzy has got her own breakfast. I didn't blog yesterday as I spent all afternoon at my friend Bassie's house. She's being so wonderfully supportive - she understands that I hate being in my house right now, because I just cry incessantly. Out of my house, sitting next to her pool, Izzy being good and amusing herself with her toys in the pool and us chatting about other things as well as William. Finding out more about each other and becoming firm friends. I think we're quite alike. It's almost normal. But one foot back in the house and I'm in the pits again. Thank goodness tomorrow I leave for the UK on my nine day tour of best friends. I have to pack today. I have no idea what to pack regarding weather and quite simply the fact that I've been putting on the same clothes day after day here and only changing when they are dirty. I can't wear colours any more either - where I used to love corals and pinks, now my palette is neutral; black, greys, beiges... Should I try to pack a bit of colour? Just in case I feel up to wearing it on my trip far away from all my memories?

When I return here, there are little chunks of time between events, that I can try and manage to get through, coupled with the cooling of the weather as summer fades and a list of projects to try and keep me occupied. So I return on August 23rd. That night is Girls' Night and it's at Bassie's. I will try and go. The next day I have a psychiatrist's appointment, I'll have Izzy back with us (God, I'll miss her while I'm away), and I'm going to try and fill the week with things to do with Izzy. She goes back to school on Tuesday 4th September - same classroom, same teacher but no longer nursery school - actual proper school! With homework and everything! The reason it's the same room and teacher is because it's such a tiny village school, the classes are shared over two years. So the third year of nursery shares with half the entry class (what's it called in English?).

It will be a very sad and difficult time for me. Firstly, I will see all the school mummies for the first time since William died (apart from a couple who have been in touch and supportive) and also because William had just been accepted to do a pre-nursery year - mornings only and as long as he was potty-trained. In fact, two days before his accident Olivier and I had proudly taken him along to his future classroom to meet his new schoolteacher and the other children and parents and chat about what lay in store for him in the year ahead. Shattered dreams.

A couple of days after Izzy goes back to school, I head off to the UK again from 6-10 September for the Bereaved Parents weekend hosted by The Compassionate Friends (yes all this is costing me money but I really don't care and the Girls Night money left over from the bench - which has still not arrived - has gone towards the weekend).

So then I don't have any more little targets so I need to dive into projects. I've decided to have a huge clear out. How I have managed to fill a 5-bedroom house with so many things, I just don't know. So I will start with the cellar. I know I have three good quality storage trunks down there with 'just in case' things in, including one I thought would be good for camping with all my kitchen seconds in it, including loads of crockery. All that I am going to take to the Maison des Parents in Montpellier (the place for the parents of children in hospital to stay). I am going to dump loads of stuff. And then I will have empty trunks which will become William's for storing his Memory Boxes. I am sure there won't just be one.

The clearing out will continue after the cellar; I hope to work my way through the entire house, sheds, everywhere. Time-consuming, therapeutic and not terribly mind-challenging. And then if, in six months' or a year's time, we decide we need to move, we're ready. So there's also a reason in all of that too.

Another project is to create one of those online photo albums of photos of William. It'll be a big one. I did one for my dad's 70th recently - baby to present - and the whole family loved it! The quality is fantastic, and you can add captions, different fonts, colours, backgrounds etc. This will be a big job - I seem to have photos stored in so many different files (hopefully all backed up on a hard disk drive too, which I did recently). I lost my last ever video of William, ironically swimming his first length of the pool and receiving a rousing round of applause from Izzy and her twin friends, Ella and Erwan. I think I must have unplugged my iPhone too early. Devastated.

I have one more thing to say today. I have been totally astonished at the support I've received and not received. I have had huge continuous support from my best long-time friends and some of my newer friends here, who have either visited to stay a few days since the time of the funeral etc (Vanessa and Charlotte - Wendy and Angel and Charlotte were here for the hospital days and funeral), been calling or texting either every day or regularly (Angel, Wendy, Ali, Kristen, Bassie, Jane, Soumaya) asking how I am, did I fancy doing something, could they help me with anything? I can't thank them enough. But oddly the people you would naturally expect to be supportive have been conspicuous by the sparcity of contact by telephone or email.

Talking of the funeral, the church was packed to the rafters and there were people spilling outside. ALL of Olivier's family were there, close members of my tiny family were there. My dad was hugely supportive and I'll never forget him coming down to the front of the church and putting his arm around both my and Olivier's shoulders as we stared at the tiny white coffin with tears streaming down our faces. My brother very bravely read the Death is Nothing At All poem.
Oh, one more thing; I received a letter on Saturday from our top-up health insurance company, starting "We have pleasure in enclosing your revised policy"...unsaid "following the death of your son and his removal from your policy".  I fell to the floor and bawled.  Surely they could have a different proforma in these cases? Jeez.

Now, time to face another day...