Crash

Well it had to happen, I suppose. Today has been well and truly and 'down day'. I don't know why. Maybe the few days I spent fairly resilient gave my feel-good endorphins time to regenerate so I could cry them out again.  I cried all morning.

Today I didn't have much planned. A friend stopped by for coffee and a chat this morning (thanks Sharon) and then the day was free. So, in my feeble state I knew I had to hook onto doing something to distract me. This afternoon I started sifting through all the photo albums in my computer, organising the photos from my temporary (waiting for filing) folders into their final destination folders. Whilst doing so, I put all the best photos of the kids onto a USB key.

The organisers of the bereavement weekend next weekend have suggested taking photos, so I used this as my push to get this done. Next week I can take my stick to a photo shop and get the photos printed. I can also use this stock of photos as the base for my photo book of William.

This afternoon, therefore, I have seen William's life through 2011 and 2012. Boy, did he have some fun! Photos of finding him sitting on the kitchen table, falling off things, chasing after things as fast as his tiny legs could carry him; photos of him with black eyes, scabs and scrapes; or spaghetti or ice cream all over his face! LOTS of photos of him in the pool. They didn't upset me actually. He loved the water and that's a fact. That he left us there does not change that.

I feel like I've lived his life all over again in an afternoon today. I feel somehow closer to him. But I still feel very fragile.

Izzy went off to my mum's early evening and we headed out to a local restaurant to try and get some 'across the table' one-on-one time together. We were the first people in there, the second being an English couple with two small boys. I couldn't bear it and started crying. We exchanged places so I couldn't see them, but that didn't work; I could still hear them. So I suggested we got our pizzas to take away and I moved outside to wait for Olivier to arrange that and pay.  Marie-Jo, the restaurant owner, who I have known since the first week I arrived here ten years ago, came out and, visibly upset herself, gave me the longest, biggest hug, bless her. It's a small community when all is said and done around here, and I'm naturally no shrinking violet, so everybody knows what's happened. No words needed.

And now we are at home. Pizzas kind of eaten, and Olivier calling me to watch our series together. At least we'll get our one-on-one time, albeit on the sofa not across the table of a restaurant...