Huge, hard, but necessary, steps

My wonderful, caring cousin Charlotte (who is more like a sister to me) arrived here yesterday, to help me through a few days. I'd had a crappy start to Monday, to be honest, but after she arrived mid-afternoon we chatted A LOT and my mood buoyed a little. It is so good to have her here. We even cleaned out the fridge! Motivation for me to put my book down and get off the sofa.

In fact, I haven't left the house in a week, but today, after a holding-back-tears work out (things seem so futile - why bother - nothing's going to bring him back, is it?) with Charlotte, who is by chance a personal trainer, I acheived three more very difficult things.

First, I went to the Mairie to pick up our 'Livre de famille' (family book - every family has one in France - ours started with our marriage, then they add the births etc of each child) - now stamped and signed to acknowledge the death of William so soon after the stamp and signature for his birth. Knife through the heart moment. The ladies in the Mairie said absolutely nothing to me, which I found a bit off/odd, but I found out later from a friend that I had miscalculated their recalcitrance - they have been extremely concerned, it's just nobody knows what to say...

Next a trip to the bank. Would they know? Would the kind and chatty cashier I see every time I go in with William ask where he was? Fortunately no. They knew. Head to one side and a kindly, regretful smile. I paid some cheques in and apparently she just stood looking at me, head still to one side, hand to her collarbone in pity (so Charlotte told me - thank God I didn't look up). But the hardest part was to come - I had to see my personal banker and take William's name off my life insurance policy. Once the paperwork was signed I cracked, tears poured down my face and I just had to get up and leave without even a cursory au revoir.

Olivier was home for lunch so we had lunch à trois which was good as that meant no empty chair at the table (I have taken the fourth one - William's one - away but when it's just Izzy and I or Olivier and I at the table, it's of course William's absence we feel).

So, after lunch, task no 3. Food shopping. Actually heading into town (can't bring myself to go to my local supermarket yet as I went there pretty much every week with William) - Pézenas (small medieval market town nearby). Charlotte did most of the trolley-pushing, thank goodness. That horrible empty place in there, from where my loving cuddly William would spontaneously eject himself to wrap his arms around me, giggling with pleasure. It will sound very self-serving, but I miss his love for me. We're not the most demonstrative family, but his love for me was still at the unconditional stage - puppy love. We hadn't reached the 'Aw, get off me mum' stage. We were the biggest cuddlers. If ever I laid on the sofa to watch tv, he'd come and lie himself down, nestling in front of me, fitting naturally into the shape of my body, so we assumed the perfect hug position. So that's how he will always be for me, and that makes it harder.

But back to the task in hand - we managed a quick shop. I didn't break down till the car park. I realised that it's not just William's physical absence while I do the shopping that is upsetting, it's noticing the things I no longer need to buy. My shopping needs have changed. Things cancelled altogether (apple compôtes, brioches, nappies, wet wipes) or decreased in volume (yogurts, cheese, black olives, carrots, fruit juice, milk). Practically jogged past the baby aisle.

(As an aside, I am also missing washing his clothes. I need to put the washing machine on less frequently and I miss pegging his mini-man clothes out on the line.)

In all, a tough day but lots achieved. I am mentally exhausted. That's how it is right now, the smallest effort is very tiring. But tonight I have my psychiatrist appointment in Béziers (our large nearest town) and when we're finished at 7.30pm (late worker huh?), Charlotte and I are going to see whether I'm up to staying out to go and eat together. Pluses of eating out: I don't think I can eat any more melon and salad and we actually didn't buy much else today to be honest, no washing-up etc. Minuses: No appetite, no desire, why pay for something that no longer gives me pleasure. But it would be another small step, so we'll see...

A demain...