I'm blogging on my iPhone in bed again. I feel like writing tonight. I have hardly stopped crying all night. I think this is because of a couple of reasons: firstly, the last few days have been a huge emotional challenge revolving around another hurdle in our 'new' lives - back to school.
As I wrote yesterday, William should have been there. I concentrated as hard as I could on being excited for Izzy's first day at proper school (she feels way too old to be saying that - she'll be seven in January!). And then I concentrated as hard as I could on anything but thinking about how William should have been starting nursery too by keeping as busy as possible all day. So I didn't have a moment to stop and muse yesterday.
But then today, whilst shopping for some 'new term' clothes with Izzy, William's absence was tangible - I so rarely went anywhere with Izzy and not William. And it was so hard to just browse and buy for Izzy when I'd got so used to buying for them both. I have to become accustomed to girls' trips out I guess. I'm sure I could even come to like them, but it's another one of those concepts I fight against because I don't want to be in this position in the first place. I want girls' trips out which are organised around leaving William at home...
And why is it that I suddenly seemed so approachable to the numerous toddler boys in the shopping centre? It's like cats LOVE me because I'm allergic and apparently because I don't approach them, they find me unthreatening. Trying to smile at these curious little boys through gritted teeth and tears and not run a bloody mile is so hard.
Here is another new and alien concept to document today - not being in a hurry to get home (I always seemed to be under time constraints for some reason or another before).
The Doom List continues here with the fact that Izzy is so demanding of my attention that even after booking a year's worth of tennis lessons, shopping, lunch and a bouncy castle, upon returning home mid-afternoon, there was no way she was going to leave me in peace to organise school insurance, a doctor's appointment for a medical certificate for her tennis etc etc. Trouble was brewing.
I spent quite a lot of the rest of the afternoon shouting. I just can't bear it when Izzy says 'it's not fair' and, let's face it, this is my honesty board and I'm not going to pretend, I found myself shouting back at her 'You know what's not fair? That William's dead! That's what's not fair! So it's no big deal that we're not making cupcakes after all really is it?'
I know it's not fair of me to say that, but the pressure to be as good a mum as I can be, only to have it all ignored (as I appreciate all kids do) just hurts.
Finally here's the second thing. I am crying much less frequently, REALLY crying I mean. (The waves are definitely calming.) I have the odd teary moment daily, but tonight I think I'd stocked up the tears again and I have been crying all evening, clutching one of William's teddies to me on the sofa. A sorry mess.
I think it's the release of the stress of the last few days. Maybe also some anxiety about the weekend to come, including the journeying. But also that we have moved into a new phase of our lives without our darling boy and I just can't block out indefinitely the depth to which I constantly feel his absence.
Ps I only took the anti-depressants for a week. Quite simply, I don't want to get hooked and then have to wean myself off them later on if there is even a 0.01% chance I could ever get pregnant and they are so so bad to take in the first trimester. Weaning off sleeping tablets too. So hope is my anti-depressant and while I still have that, I can be assured that my body is a temple. Let's just hope that a) my specialist gyney works out that I have some good egg time left and b) that Olivier is complicit in this at some point. I've stopped talking about it now. Grain planted. Needs to be his idea now.
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