Two months today

After so much progress over the weekend, I've had a horrible day and an even more horrible evening. We inch ever closer to entering into the wrong side of the frightening statistic that nine out of every ten couples who lose a child break up.

William should be starting nursery tomorrow. It should have been a new start for both William and myself, with new projects planned by me too. Now I have all the time in the world but absolutely no desire to do anything with it.

I had a meeting with the schoolteachers today to discuss how to handle the kids' questions. Everyone knew William even though he was not yet at the school, as we were there together all the time for Izzy.

The meeting started off quite emotional for me, but I pulled myself together and we decided that they are all going to have a chat to their respective classes to explain what happened and then say that any questions should be directed at them, not Izzy. Hope Izzy is ok.

Izzy was bouncing off the walls today and so hard to handle. I'm so tired of her ignoring me and it taking so many times of asking for her to do anything, when I am trying my hardest to keep everything under control, ticking over as normally as possible. Mundane everyday things are a huge struggle. I am under constant stress. I need the support of Olivier and look forward to when he comes home at the end of the day. Not him not bothering to come home to eat the bloody meal it took a gargantuan effort to make.

He's throwing himself into starting his business and it feels like he is ignoring me. He's planning work trips to Paris while I'm giving it my all just to keep the family ticking over and I am already, even before school starts, BORED OFF MY HEAD!!!

But I need a moment to get my head around this enforced freedom. I have options, of course; sport, training courses such as the on-line TEFL I was originally going to do while William did his mornings at school. But I have no confidence or dynamism for learning.

So I continue the hardest job in the world. Today a client came to pick up some kiddiekit. Amongst it was a really funky multi-way, rocking baby bouncer. I said without thinking'Yes, this is great. It was my son's - he loved it!' And my client asked how old my son was. I paused for what seemed like an eternity but obviously wasn't. WHAT has she asked me? What should I say?

This was my first encounter with this type of question (others to follow: do you have children? How many children do you have? Etc). I hesitated and then just said, 'He died' 'Two months ago today. He drowned in our pool.' She asked with clear shock how old he was and when I told her she was visibly shaken. Her arriving grandson is the same age. I felt uncomfortable that my thoughtless comment had led us here.

But this is a whole new territory and at home we talk about William all the time, and pretty much everyone around me knows what's happened, so I just didn't have the correctly-adjusted social conversation in place for this situation. Won't be doing that again.

My thanks today go to Henny for coming for coffee this morning and being a shoulder. Also to Soumaya for organising my school meeting, looking after Izzy and for being such a loyal, genuine, kind and caring friend.

Tomorrow I am hoping to print some good photos out of William and the family to take with me to the bereavement weekend, then taking Bassie out for lunch to thank her for looking after the business while I was away last time.

I leave Thursday evening, back Monday evening. Then I will need projects for sure. Might have to start with ordering a skip! Seriously, I think Emmaüs is in for a stock-up...

Now that blogging has calmed me down, time to try to sleep. Big day for my little poppet tomorrow - first day of proper school (even though she's nearly 7 - weird)!

Just before I go I wanted to mention the weirdest feelings I have been having today - like I am just on the point of wondering where William is, before I remember. This has happened several times today. Like I've forgotten him somewhere. I think it must be because I feel a really strong connection from having gone through the entire two and a half years of his life in photos over the last couple of days, that he feels so real again.

Signing off....