Yesterday I had lunch with my father and step-mother. I had already considered cancelling as I am feeling very weak emotionally, and one needs to be in a robust frame of mind for any encounter with my parents, in order to field, ignore and rise above the critical comments and psychological games. It seems I owe a letter of apology to my half-sister for some horrendous things SHE did to ME years and years ago, but only one side of that story has ever been told and I was never asked mine. I am the black sheep, I am 'tolerated' at best. A bit of an inconvenience, to be honest. The result of an apparently 'unhappy 10-year marriage' (to paraphrase my dad in a fairly recent letter to my mum). You can tell they both wish he'd met my step-mother first and only had their two children.
Well, at lunch yesterday, they said the most disgusting thing yet to me. I was told to 'stop draining everyone around me emotionally'. Horrific. I replied, calmly, because I could not quite believe what I'd just heard and was still turning it over in my head, 'You shouldn't be saying things like that to me'.
But they repeated, insisted 'Come on Nicole, you have got to stop this - you really are draining everyone around you emotionally'. At that point I am afraid I could not take any more and just had to get up and leave the table and run out of the restuarant. I was in floods. Immature maybe but I felt like my world was collapsing around me. How could these two people, at least one of whom was supposed to unconditionally love me, say such a hurtful thing to me?
For crying out loud - I lost my son, my William, part of ME, only TWO MONTHS AGO!!!
Where my friends have researched prolifically about grief and also researched for the best books to buy and send to me (all fantastic, thank you), to follow me down this horrendous path and help me every step of the way, however long that may be - and it will be forever, take note - I have had a couple of visits and a handful of calls from my own parents. At one point in my darkest days when I really needed to get away I asked if I could come and see them in their house on the coast near St Tropez, but they said I couldn't because it was too small. Hope my brother and his wife had a lovely time there this summer, as well as their other guests.
I thought long and hard before documenting this cruel act as I know my step-mother reads my blog, albeit sporadically (er, hello, how often really?). I have waited 24 hours to see if an apology would ensue. Nada. Zilch. Que dalle. That's how much I mean to them. They will probably disown me forever after reading this.
But I am fuming, livid and very, very hurt. How can I ever recover from this? I have decided to write this episode down because, to be frank, I have lost everything anyway. It looks like Olivier is moving out 'for a break' (and we all know what that means). So, honestly, what else could possibly happen to me that could be worse?
Thank God I still have Izzy. Otherwise I really don't know what I would do.
I shall say that my dream is still for Olivier and I to work things out together, maybe even have the strength to stay in the house, and maybe, maybe, maybe bind ourselves together again with another little life. But that dream's potential realisation is drifting further and further out of reach...
For now I shall prepare. Finish a couple of things on the house so it's ready to put on the market. But where to move to? I really have no idea. I am overwhelmed. Stay? Go? Where? I have some ideas as I know from this period of sorting the wheat from the chaff who I'd like to live near to.
I shall leave you with a link to a page someone sent me (thank you J) which describes the grieving process of a parent.
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html
This is the most powerful text I have come across so far, and succinctly describes the agony we are living every second of every waking day.
We will not 'recover' just like that, we will not 'bounce back'. How can we? It would be like forgetting. As I tell Izzy, I have to grieve equal to how much I loved William - and that's an awful lot of tears.
Actually, I'm going to leave you with some of the comments from my facebook page regarding what my parents said to me (I wonder if they will ever admit they were wrong this time and have the courage and good manners to apologise? Still no word and it's 31 hours later and counting...). THANK GOODNESS FOR FRIENDS!!! Were would I be without you guys? xxxx
Sheridan Walne Am gobsmacked.....you are doing all the right things and talking, remembering...and draining people is all part of that.....drain away say I!! Much strength to you. They should be amazed by your eloquence and determination to get to a place where you can remember your son with laughter as well as tears.....x
Bassie Scott I've just read this. I find it unbelievable that your own parents could say such a thing. Please tell them from me that I certainly have no problem with listening to you, hugging, being with you when you need/want a shoulder, or even a laugh - as I'm sure all your friends will concur. I too am gobsmacked... what planet are they living on where you lose a child, then are just expected to 'get on with life' after just 9 weeks??? Boy, they need some parenting lessons and I find it very sad that they could even think to say such a thing. xxxx
Ali Haarmann Yes - it's a real shame. Perhaps you should forward them some names of books for them to read - it ight help you and it might help them? Really sorry you were put through this today - not what you need xxx
Tracy 'Chambers' Jones Oh Nicole thats disgraceful. I'm so sorry I can't be there to hug you and help you through especially in these early months. Your parents must be in denial. You musn't put yourself through that added strain any longer, don't make contact with them and hopefully they'll come round and realise how utterly selfish they are being. They need help too but not from you. Look after yourself and Izzy. That's enough to deal with. Much love xxxxx
Bassie Scott Or... they are from the generation that says 'stiff upper lip' and all that bollards...no excuse at all for such behaviour, whichever generation they're from, frankly. xx
Pam Kay Unbelievable.
Chris Kemp Nobody can hurt you quite like your parents can.
Simon Strafford I hope you held your head high when you walked!
Kirsty Caldwell I'm not surprised u r livid. I'm livid for u!
Sharmim Cory I'm so sorry to hear that Nicole, but some parents/people have a habit of coming out with the most unsympathetic and hurtful comments. I just can't comprehend such behaviour. I really want to give you a big hug. xxx
Julie Dee Murley Horrible, sorry that happened :(
Justin Weiss I think it is an awful and heartless thing to say; the grieving process is not quick and to rush it would be more damaging. Just be sure you know that the majority of people will not be feeling 'drained' by being there for you.
Helen Hammond It's a thoughtless comment said by a generation who feel they've earnt the right speak without considering the impact of their views. Grrrrrrrrrr
Kirsty Caldwell Oh Nicole I can't bear it! Come back here! We'll look after and love you xxxxx
Dawn Hennessy words fail me. The pain and suffering you have endured needs to come out so keep on talking, sharing and remembering. All my love to you x
Susan Wheeler Don't make any life changing decisions at this point Nicole, it's too early.....just like it's too early for your parents to have expected you to have moved on after nine weeks. Good grief what do they expect? Perhaps you should remind them of some of their own generation's rules ie 12 months is usually "allowed" for grieving, not nine weeks and there is no magic date anyway. Everyone's journey is different.
Mikayla Owen Jamin We can love our family but not like them as people. Distance yourself from people who do not work for you Nicole. Friends are the family you choose,love you xx
Bassie Scott Forget the fb stalker, who cares about them? We care about you and what you're going through. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends - thank GOODNESS. Huge hugs. xxx
my dear girl...I'm SO sorry....maybe they were just hoping that they could shock you ut of your trauma...I'm sure it doesn't help hon...You just have to go through your grief as YOU see fit..sending you love and support..xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteJe comprends trop ce que tu ressens.j'ai moi même eu des périodes difficiles avec mon papa, et au moment où j'en avais le plus besoin.
ReplyDeleteTon amie Bassie a raison, on ne choisit pas sa famille, mais on choisit ses amis. Entoures toi de gens bienveillants et qui t'aiment...c'est de cela dont tu as besoin en ce moment.
Prends ce que ton père te donne de positif et n'en espère pas plus...ça ne sert à rien...tu ne peux pas le changer.
Je ne pense pas qu'il faille te fâcher avec lui, ça ne sert à rien sauf t'isoler un peu plus...la famille reste la famille et il faut faire avec je pense. En tout cas, c'est ce que je me suis dis un jours au sujet de mon papa et depuis je n'ai plus d'attente et vais beaucoup mieux...je t'embrasse.
Je comprends ce que tu me dis. Et tu as raison. Mais je ne peux pas les pardonner. Au moins pas encore. Il ne me reste plus rien (sauf Izzy) et je reconstruirai ma vie toute seule, comment je la veux et où je la veux. Proche de mes amies... Gros bisous à vous tous et merci beaucoup pour tes gentils mots et ton soutien xxxx
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