Still diary-filling

It's been a few days again since my last blog. Not only have I been quite busy, but I haven't really had anything to say. I've been quite down and not really had any inspiration or motivation. I'm using Izzy as my motivation, living vicariously through her, as if by getting on and out and doing things with her assuages my own guilt at trying to find pleasure in things. I'm not yet ready to go out on my own for pleasure - what would I be trying to do? 'Have a good time?'  'Have fun?' No. Not ready for that.

I catch myself sometimes wandering about in the house, or in driving along in the car, just repeating over and over in my head 'William is dead, William is dead' like I still can't quite believe it, or even that I want to reaffirm that he really existed in the first place and I didn't just dream him. That feels weird.

Olivier has visited us. That feels weird too. I miss him so much. And I'm scared that the longer he is away, the harder it will be for him to come back to us. I think a lot about how he must be feeling and what he is going through. One of the things that bereaved parents do not want to hear is 'well, you've still got another child' - it doesn't work like that - you love each of your children individually and uniquely. Often parents with one child worry that they will not be able to love another child as much as the first one. This fear is completely unfounded and, as any parent of two or more children knows, evaporates as soon as you lay eyes on your second or subsequent child or children. But you can't know that until you take that leap into the unknown. Parenting is a tricky business from the moment you decide to become a parent until, well, normally, until you leave this earth...

So yes, I still have Isabelle (and I do thank God for that), and I think how that must be for Olivier, especially to live with us. He has lost his only child. But that is to speak using non-specific semantics. We have both lost WILLIAM. William was a bright, sparky, inquisitive, funny, handsome and strong little boy. OUR little boy. Irreplaceable. Another child created by our gene-mix would be a different little person; he or she might hate sleeping whereas William loved to sleep! Or hate black olives whereas William would devour them with gusto! Or be quiet and thoughtful, or maybe gregarious and a non-stop talker. Who knows? I know I'd like to find out.

I wish I could tell Olivier that you CAN love another child as much as your first or that he has the RIGHT to love another child. But I think it's too soon for him to think like that. I know you can love another child just a much as your first, because I've had two children, so I am a step ahead, if you like.

But I have to face the facts. I could well be heading towards the life of a single mum. I still have no idea where I'd like to live. It seems the districts of Montpellier which have the private schools in them (private schools are very cheap in France) do not correspond with the districts with a high population of families. Odd. I'd like to live in a family-based community, so I guess that would entail traipsing across the city in rush hour traffic to get Izzy to school. It might sound spoilt, but I've got used to driving to the other side of the village in five minutes to take Izzy to school!

And does she really need to go to private school? Yet at least - it could wait till she's secondary school age. I could move to a large town and put her in the local school, maybe nearer to Montpellier so we'd be close by for day trips out etc. But where? And right now I do seem to have a really good support network of friends around me.

I think the best thing to do is hang fire and see what happens between Olivier and me. One thing for sure is that I can't afford to run this house on my own. We are starting to realise that the overheads are ridiculously high. Our gas, electric and water bills are ALL 1400€ a year. Then there are all the taxes etc. Although I must admit, our shopping bills have reduced considerably and I'm having to go through the house trying to find soft furnishings to wash in order to fill the washing machine up in order to put a load on. I don't really need this 8kg load machine now.

I met a friend for coffee in Béziers yesterday, which turned into lunch (lovely to see you Kate!). As we were meeting nearby to the language school where I had earlier in the summer had a meeting with the owner with a view to finding some work, I popped in to see her again. She'd actually offered me some work in April/May time but it was for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and I had no childcare for Mondays, so had to turn it down. So this was another one of those horrible tasks where I had to go, explain what had happened (cried) and say that I was now available for work if she had any. She has now put my CV to the top of her pile, so we'll see what happens there.

This reminds me of a second similar task I had to do yesterday. I went to pick up some school shoes I'd ordered for Izzy from a shop called Okaidi in town. While I was there I asked if they could remove William from my account (came out and cried) - the last thing I'll need around the time of his birthday is to receive emails from all these kids' clothes, toys etc sites with special birthday offers.

I also went into Schmidt kitchens to order a new piece of backsplash stuff we need in the kitchen. We've had lots of dealings with Schmidt over the last two years due to the abysmal job they did of designing and installing our kitchen. Our contact there, Valerie, asked me what lovely things I'd been up to in the summer. So I told her. She was very kind as I cried yet again. As she was ordering my backsplash, she said, 'Well, we did think it was you when we read it in the paper - there can't be many  2-yr old boys living in big houses in Espondeilhan at the exit to Pouzolles'. And I thought, you bitch, yet you still asked me with a big smile on your face what lovely things I'd got up to this summer?

I have a friend coming for coffee this morning and then I'm off to Ikea to buy a sink unit for the new bathroom. We have another busy weekend planned. A gardener is coming on Saturday to clean the garden up a bit, prune, chainsaw the palm fronds nicely etc and also to take away all the leaves and old tiles from when I back-breakingly took the old floor up downstairs (100m² of floor tiles!). Then after piano, Izzy and I are going to Cap d'Agde again, with Isabelle and her boys, because apparently this week really IS the old cars on show! Fingers crossed. In the evening we are going with Soumaya and the twins to Pézenas for some Street Theatre in the old town, and on Sunday we are going for a barbecue and then ziplining with two other families (husbands included - Olivier is invited and so far is still coming!) at Bessilles Park.