Patience

Today Olivier left to stay at his dad's house (where, incidentally his brother lives, but his dad doesn't - he lives with his partner elsewhere) for a while. He wants, needs a 'break'. He says he'll see us for 'the good times' but needs to get away for a bit. I am bereft. But I understand.

I have spent the evening, feeling forlorn and tiny in this big house, just me and Izzy left now, thinking about things (sorry Tracy, I know you told me not to think too much!). All day I have been turning things over and over in my head, getting nowhere due to stress and tiredness. But now, just before heading up alone to bed tonight, I had the urge to write. A certain clarity of the situation has come upon me.

There is a positive side to this. Looking in from the outside, I have been away to the UK twice recently - I have 'escaped' from our house, our lives full of still fresh memories of William. Our baby boy never once went to the UK (we'd booked, but that Icelandic volcano scuppered our trip) so when I go there it is, if you like, 'neutral' territory. No memories, no links. I have had my escapes; and left Olivier alone in this House of William.

So it is his turn. It did me a lot of good. On my first trip away, when I almost literally needed spoon-feeding, I gathered some real strength. I arrived a zombie and left autonomous once again. Time out. Time to regroup, gain confidence in living and in going about everyday tasks again. I just hope against hope that that is what Olivier garners from his own time out, and that it doesn't last too long. So I shall be patient and wait and hope (God, how I hope!) that this 'break' does not turn into the cliché of something permanent.

Izzy is really missing Olivier too. We told her together over dinner yesterday but I don't think she really got it. Today coming back from school she asked if Olivier would be there when we got home and I said, no, he wouldn't be. She asked if he was eating at the house tonight and I said no, not for a little while. She started crying and saying, 'But I won't see him today'. I said, but you saw him this morning. 'No, but I won't see him tonight! I want him to eat with us!' Poor, poor lamb.

The positive news is, we are planning the 'good times'. We have a date fixed for Saturday night when Izzy will be at her dad's. Maybe it will be good to 'date' again. A fresh start. Whether we go out to eat or eat here and snuggle up with a dvd, I just hope it's an easy night and that we are able to temporarily suppress those tortured thoughts that flash through our heads on a regular basis and turn us into these Jekyll and Hyde-type creatures. We have to stay strong and stay together until these demons can be controlled. If that means a bit of space, then so be it.



Red Stone Cladding

Front Door Stone Cladding

PS I didn't get much done from my To Do List today as I was on the telephone most of the day, but I did meet my 'façadier' (guy that's going to re-vamp the façade of my house, strangely enough) to discuss what I wanted to do. And amazingly he's going to come and do it over the next two days! The bags of product have already been delivered and that awful highlight of 1950's architecture that is a floor-level metre high line of red brick stone cladding will soon be no more.




Original Blue and Yellow
(now white at least) Bathroom

Next project - replacing our delightful 1970's dark blue bathroom with something a bit more now. (Although these are the two main projects I'd like to do in order to put the house on the market, I'm actually looking forward to changing the bathroom because every time I go in there it evokes such strong memories of William and the fun bathtimes he and Izzy had together and right now, this makes me feel so dreadfully sad).