Three months since, but for now the therapy ends

It's been quite a sad week this week, with the three month anniversary of William's death passing and the days around it being palpably more difficult to get through, like wading through treacle. Less 'neutral' time (time where I go about my daily life almost normally) and more thinking about and missing William time. But I totally believe that this is necessary and is part of the long term grieving process. Not every day is the same; the first year is hardest as it's full of anniversaries (this feels like an odd word to use as it's usually associated with happy moments) and, of course, the natural progression of grief as we all now know advances in an oscillatory fashion.

So my waves are now much shallower, I do have more neutral time and even times where I can laugh without feeling guilty. But, of course, I do still think about William a lot and I do still miss him. My screensaver is my William file of photos and videos, so sometimes when I come back to my laptop and the screensaver has been activated, I just sit and watch for a while as the computer randomly decides what to show me. I've noticed just how much William looked straight at me when I had a camera in my hand. I can see directly into his eyes - it's like we are looking at each other once again. He looks so alive - he WAS so alive. It's hard to believe he's gone in these moments of retro-connection.

 

 

My gorgeous poppet. I am beginning to accept that I will probably never have another baby. It's bloody hard. But it seems this is the way life was meant to be. Izzy is sad too - she desperately wants me to give her a new baby brother. But, hard as it is to say, she is blossoming from all the extra attention I am giving her. I am more patient with her and she is responding.

 

We went to see the psychotherapist yesterday for Izzy to have a session - the first time in a couple of months for Isabelle as we wanted to wait for school to get going. We are both doing well and the decision has been made that we no longer need to see her, which is another huge step forward. She suggested that if Izzy needs any therapy in the future, it might be an idea to find a male psychotherapist, as she may respond better to a masculine presence, who might represent a firmer form of discipine during the sessions. I've been reading parenting books recently to try and discover more about what makes Izzy tick and how to react better to her different moods and moments. It seems she is rather oppositional - and in fact lots of people, including the psychotherapist, have said to me that she searches to push me, or other authority figures, to their limits. She pushes and pushes till shouting is the only option to get through to her, till you have to say 'Stop!' to make her stop. But the psychotherapist also said Izzy is obviously highly intelligent, giften even, which makes me very proud. Her behaviour has improved markedly recently though and we are working through things together. Patience, love, cuddles and rewards for good behaviour through words or treats. My main aim now is to ensure that Izzy grows up to be happy, well-rounded and fulfilled.

 

As for my progress in my ongoing projects with the ultimate aim to generate some revenue so we can stay in this house, at least for the meantime, well, in the next day or so I'm hoping to finish the painting of the little living room that will be part of the suite for our BnB project. I've spent two long days on it so far, with all to do, including painting the skirting boards and cornice/decorative coving which is a nightmare, although I have now found out what those pointy paintbrushes included in paintbrush sets are actually for! I like hard work and I think I'm going to be proud of it when it's finished.