Apology

I'm thinking about taking my blog down a notch. I've been looking at the bigger picture - something I know from psychometric testing for jobs in the past that I am not very good at. I tend to look at things very much in black or white - hence the impetuousness you sense (sense? Ok - no sensing needed - it's pretty much in your face) from my posts. I may have been a little too emotional to write, but in my head I had the notion that I needed to get my thoughts and feelings down in an honest fashion.

Let me say that since William died, the rules of life have definitely changed. And in the early days there literally were no rules. Everything about every day was alien to me (a lot of it still is). How were other people in the street around me standing up, walking around and going about their lives quite normally when my son was dead? Didn't they know? Couldn't they see that William was dead?  That he wasn't in his pushchair in front of me?  It sounds mad, but that's what you think. One of grief's manifestations is the sense that you are going mad. The world is spinning around you, you are spinning in the middle of this vortex and everything speeds up or slows down around you, depending on the moment. You are out of control. Nothing is real any more. How could this happen? This doesn't happen. Dead? Gone forever? NO!!!

So you see, if I was up before a court of law for the crime of speaking my mind, I could quite credibly plead temporary insanity. Intense grief envelops you, wraps you up in a big, black claw and squeezes the light out of you. It squeezes your heart till it feels like it will burst, it squeezes your lungs so you sometimes gasp for breath, it squeezes your brain so that you have no idea what time it is, that you should eat something or sleep or... that you should not say the first thing that comes into your head in case you regret it later.

I Googled 'Fractured families after a loss' yesterday. At least 25% of families fall apart or suffer some fracturing after a loss. People grieve differently, or at different rates, and this leads to tensions. Things are said and done that are out of character for the normal rational person concerned.

What I am saying is that perhaps I have said too much on this blog and hurt the feelings of those mentioned in the heat of the moment. I humbly apologise for the public nature of my emotional download. I also hereby, by the same medium, give an opportunity to anyone I may have offended to contact me directly and in private for their opinion or return apology, whichever they see fit.