Another new chapter

Well. It's been a funny old time since my last post. My long-time friend (we've known each other since we were teenagers) Sean came to stay, ostensibly to provide companionship, friendship and a good, strong pair of working hands to help me get some house jobs done and to help my builder, Alex, with the ongoing bathroom project.
 
Sean was a breath of fresh air. He would not let me do anything - so chivalrous. When out shopping he wouldn't let me carry a bag, at the supermarket he fetched and then put back the trolley, he made copious cups of tea, emptied the kitchen bin when it was full, helped no end with my jobs list and I even found him mopping after having Hoovered when I came back from fetching Izzy from piano on Saturday morning! He and Izzy bonded immediately (Sean has three grown children) and baked together, played connect 4 together, he read her bed-time stories - and all performed willingly and with enjoyment! Izzy completely blossomed in his company. What a breath of fresh air! What a star!
 

Essentially, I have been looked after for 12 days. Cared for. Hugged as I wept my regular William tears into his big, broad shoulders. And how nice it was! I have spent six weeks begging and cajoling Olivier to come home; working hard at trying to repair my marriage, as you all know by following this blog. Well these last few days have allowed me to see slightly clearer. IS that what I REALLY need to do? However much I begged, my husband could not or would not budge, advance, see the future more clearly. Six weeks of hearing 'I don't know' to every question I had for him. Six weeks of him saying that he didn't see how we could pull it back after losing William. And four months of hearing that he will never have another child.

I know that six weeks is not long in the grand scheme of things and especially as I have this mantra swirling arond in my head that you mustn't make big decisions within a year of loss, but it has been nearly four months now since we lost William and it's become demeaning and dispiriting to keep battling and not even advance a little. In fact, I feel that Olivier has been slowly pulling back. While Sean was here, he refused to come to the house. If he loved me, surely he would be here every day, battling his corner while there was another alpha male in concurrence? But instead he stayed away.

So yesterday Sean left and Olivier finally came to the house, supposedly for dinner but we never got that far. We chatted, I told him I didn't think our marriage could survive. I won't go into details as that is too personal and not fair on Olivier, who I still love and have a huge amount of respect for, but I had finally seen a benchmark of family functionality while Sean was here, and this removed the blinkers from my eyes. I had had my engagement ring repaired recently (the pearl had lost its sheen and I'd lost a diamond out of it in the mélée of William's accident - more symbolism). This was with a view to show Olivier and say, 'Look! I got the ring repaired. You mean the world to me. Come on, let's make this work.' Instead, as he took the proffered band and said, 'Oh, you got the ring repaired', before handing it back to me I found myself saying, 'Keep it. It's over.'

You don't need to know the rest, but eventually I was alone in the house. Strangely elated, but I knew I was on one of those false adrenalin highs. This soon turned into utter despair as I wept now for the the loss of my marriage, my assured future, my family life... But the phone started and didn't stop all night. Various friends called and buoyed me and I am now back in touch with one of my best and dearest friends, Di with whom I'd fallen out a few years ago for a daft reason. Di lives just outside Malaga with her 5-year old son and has invited Izzy and I to visit, so today I booked tickets for a few days in the school holidays. It will be so good to see her.
 
One more thing - I finally downloaded and started my on-line TEFL course yesterday which I feel GREAT about. I'm going to give this my all. I'm off to lunch today with a friend, Teena, who is an English teacher here and hopefully she can give me some pointers.
 
Progress, advancing. But I have to admit that today the heartache is back there, physical symptoms of emotional pain. A completely valid need to mourn the end of my marriage now too.  So much has changed in such a short time. But I owe it to William to make sure that Isabelle and I are content, fulfilled and even happy - it's what he would have wanted.